@click4amanda: War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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@TheBoydP: I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
@Merman_Melville: Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop" Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-" Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"
@postcrunk: is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don't have to die alone?
@mortimermaiden: Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won't start. Mechanic: Did you try jumping it? Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?