@click4amanda: War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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@bobvulfov: [magic school bus] KID: where are we going today MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo KID: but last week we went to SPACE MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
@ValeeGrrl: Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.
@weinerdog4life: Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
@SergioValenCo: Damn girl, are you my Bachelor's degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.