War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme