[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
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ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”