5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Candles never taste the way they smell
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?