Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.