*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”