dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
The best shot in the history of golf
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
OH. COME. ON.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes