@BruceForce: WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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@0point5twins: Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "this isn't working, you take everything too literally". She'll be so happy when she sees the new one.
@jordan_stratton: WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym. ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
@girlontapas: Water leak. No water for 2 days. Then the plumber cut the cable line. No internet. No TV. 2 stinky teenagers. Send wine and bail money.