WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
i did the math
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
tell em, edith-anne