WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Yeah. This was me today.
Best spot.. 😅
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.