I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
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If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’