@UnicornSyrup: WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON'T CLICK ON IT! It's a link to download the new Nickelback single
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@TheBlessMess: The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
@PaperWash: [stranded on Mars journal] day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days day 2: I ate rob
@Parentpains: Sorry I can't attend your Facebook event, I'll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.
@Carbosly: I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal. It's cheese, dude. We'll be here a while.