good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Owl Sanctuary
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?