i want to work in this restaurant
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
WWE is French for “yes”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.