Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.