Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…