Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Beware of fowl play.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.