Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
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WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that