IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
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Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“No way.” -Jose
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one