Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.