Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
This meal prepping shit easy
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.