@thatUPSdude: Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
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@DaddyJew: Your mom doesn't understand Your dad doesn't understand Your friends don't understand But french fries, french fries understand you
@relatabledad: coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
@david8hughes: [first day as tour guide in New York] Me: that's the Statue of Liberty Guy: what is she clutching Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty