@Kirangandhi: Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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@iwearaonesie: "you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live" -how dad signs my birthday cards
@daryl_licked: Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for? Me: I got it for my girlfriend. Indian Chief: Good trade.
@mdob11: Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
@JPHaddadio: When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.