Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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Welcome
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
LMAO.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.