@FannyB1tch: Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Please stop. ME: Stop what? WIFE: Singing in the shower. ME: What's the big deal? WIFE: You're scaring everyone at Home Depot.
@BlaineKy: I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. Because I have no idea where sandwiches live...
@nerdreign: Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It's like God doesn't trust us to write our own jokes.
@GingerGander: Man texted: "I want you to be my little angle." I answered: "Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?" Two days have passed, no reply.