Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you鈥檒l never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I feel seen.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
god鈥檚 mom: clean your room or i鈥檓 throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they鈥檙e not toys. they鈥檙e dinosaurs!
Movies lie. I鈥檝e never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Every McDonald鈥檚 should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
It鈥檚 so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
When you’re here for the treats.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
not sure why everyone acts like it鈥檚 so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works