@WilliamAder: Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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@ojedge: Sieved flour to rule them all A pinch of salt to grind them Cup of milk, then mix them all add an egg to bind them -Lord of the Onion Rings
@mattwhitlockPM: This girl tweeted "You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies." ...No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.
@shkeeber: *camera pans to a pair of sneakers hanging over a power line* *Sean Connery takes a long drag of his cigarette* "It was a... shoeishide"
@moooooog35: [1st day in Senate] Me: I'm against genetic engineering Scientist: We've developed kids w/ volume knobs Me: How much funding do you need