Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
These aliens are taking forever.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry