Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie