Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out