@SonofConway: Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
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@WeekendTwitr: Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
@TheTweetOfGod: When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they've been lying.
@girlontapas: Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
@myonlymizztake: Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I've offered to eat my friend. I'm not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.