@SonofConway: Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
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@Brianhopecomedy: *wife phones* "Hi!" "Hi! Did you clean the house?" "Uhh...YUP!" "OK, I'm coming home. Need anything?" "Yes, about 2 hours."
@thentherewasmo: Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it's going to be stuck that way forever
@LackOfShame: Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
@Brampersandon_: BOSS: There's limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah