“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh