“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Okay me first
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
The prophecy is fulfilled
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.