@celestinelea90: Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don't ask me questions about a crime scene
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@ChrisThayerSays: I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
@bigmacher: No, I'm not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn't remove the pit from the avocado, that's between us.
@SethMacFarlane: Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.