Egyptians don’t walk like that.
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?