@celestinelea90: Was in the hot tub a full 3 minutes before I noticed the floating chipmunk so probably don't ask me questions about a crime scene
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@gingerfaced: [arrives in heaven] how'd you die? me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
@BritXNic: I'm sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
@shariv67: I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.