Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
i can’t wait that long
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Challenge accepted.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”