Was it something I said?
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Always the camel, never the toe.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
hmmm
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.