Was it something I said?
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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell