Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…