@SaraESpivey: Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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@Elizasoul80: My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."
@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water
@hazelmotes1: *gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*