Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.