Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
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[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.