was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Not messing around
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.