@TweetPotato314: was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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@QwertyJones3: [Me as an Italian language translator] Police: Ask him where the money is hidden. Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
@dshack8: Usain Bolt doesn't know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
@Scdavis24: My mom always says "Alcohol is your enemy!" Jesus says, "Thou shalt love thy enemy."