@XAIMMadellynne: Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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@Mitchoacan: Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
@funnyordie: Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
@PleaseBeGneiss: [after the apocalypse] God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
@KKAlThani: David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.