Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
classic mixup
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?