@WilliamAder: Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@OwensDamien: I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut - Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
@dubiousrhetoric: Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It's very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
@DirtMcTurd: [Hospital front desk] "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-" *wife hits me* "Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"