Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m not stressed
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”