Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
You Might Also Like
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I have many caverns
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.