Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.