@NJPsychDoc: Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
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@Token_Geezer: A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar. Everyone else in the bar leaves.
@jonnysun: JESUS: today im going to walk on water JUDAS: NO DONT-- [jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
@murrman5: [overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he's always overreacting and making a mess *spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
@bIessbaby: *gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet