Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Fries, not lies.