@AlexEllisdon: Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I'm a chicken magnet
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@EndhooS: *Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"
@murrman5: [roommate hears me come in] "how was the date?" [face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I'm allergic to shellfish
@Shawn_spree: Wife: Am I grotesque? Me: No, angel cake! Wife: Why did you call me a cake? Me: Cake is round? *runs *