Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
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It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.