purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My inexpensive home security system…
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Meme Monday.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
A fake ID that makes you younger
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open