This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE