*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Free him
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
School be like
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.