*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Passwords are more important than ever.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.