*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
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Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.