Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know